The clockwork dragon

[Clockwork]

[atrb=border,0,btable][atrb=width,414,btable][cs=2] CLOCKWORK a line of lyrics or quotes goes here
[cs=2] [style=text-align: center; font-family: century gothic; font-size: 16px; border-bottom: solid 2px #222222; margin-bottom: 4px; text-transform: center;]FULL NAME  Clockwork   name here. ORIGINS    The clockwork dragon dosn't have a name anymore, or atleast, he dosnt remember it, because the old man who currently owns him never called him by his name, thus after 60 years, its left him and has been replaced by the word the man uses to describe him. He was actualy a young girl's named kanaya's dragon, her fifth birthday present, to be exact. He loved her very much, he watched over her as she grew up and became a young woman. Kanaya lived him as if he were family, and she especialy loved his dark rust colored skin, and how smooth it was.       Kanaya was a very particular young girl, and very picky with dragons. She wasnt really athletic or really had any stregth at all. She didnt like big dragons and she didnt like particularly mean dragons. This meant clockwork was hatched specificly for her. She raised him as if he were her child, reading to him at night before bed. She had him like a gjiant puppy dog and he would never leave her side.     Now to make his history make sense i have to introduce the brother. Kanaya's brother Agmarus made a living by fixing broken tools for the neghboring farmers.  Agmarus also loved his little sister's dragon, he loved him like a brother. Often talking to him in his stall while he worked and sometimes even alowing the dragon to assist him (well, more like weld things together when needed.)       One night clockwork was asleep in his stall when he heard a sudden crackle, flames burning from the farmhouse because of a stray ember from the fireplace. The dragon did everything he could to get out of his stall, and in the proccess loseing his eye. He tore down the front door and searched the house, withstanding burn after burn untill he got his family out and collapsed in the yard, dying. His hind left leg was useless, His skin was shredded from exposed nails in the house snagging his sides. Bones in his ribs were exposed to the air. The dragon healer,who amputated his ravanged eye and larg from the hock down. Luckily  Agmarus immideately went to his workshop and began building parts to replace Clockwork's missing/ damaged parts He replaced all his useless parts with sheetmetal and spare parts for tools . His rear leg was metal and his eye is now glass, the metal that covers his face and his horn is removable along with the eye. The eye is the wrong color though. His good eye is green while the other is red.  he was alowed to live for the rest of his young master  life. He wound up outliving her and when she died of old age her son inherited Clockwork who kept him for 80 years before giving him to a man who wanted him. The man is now growing old after 40 years and can no longer take care of him. BREED & STANDING   A western dragon TRAITS [/style]
[atrb=valign,top][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,207] STRENGTHS: ▪  clockwork's kind nature makes him not want to hurt anyone on purpose ▪  Clockwork's good sense of nobility makes him a great protective dragon, and he will never leave his rider once he's attached to them ▪   His painfull memories tend to come back to haunt him, almost constantly. But he does a good job of forcing them back and willing himself not to think about it. ▪   Clockwork is alittle stuborn which makes him simply refuse to give up.	[atrb=valign,top][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,207] WEAKNESSES: ▪ his memories sometimes escape him and the memory of being burned alive frightens him whenever he sees sudden flickering lights. ▪ sometimes hes too kind and will not take care of himself if hes helping someone else out. ▪  once again, he's incredibly stuborn. He's difficult to break and most likely wont listen untill he gets used to his rider ▪ he holds an inborn fear of looseing his rider, orgionating from Kanaya's death of old age, followed by argmus's death. He will not hesitate to sacrifice his own life for his rider.
[atrb=valign,top][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,207] LIKES: ▪  quite secluded places ▪  taking care of young girls ▪  actualy being able to get comfitorble arohnd his metal parts ▪    Being red to at night	[atrb=valign,top][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,207] DISLIKES: ▪  loud noises ▪  annoying humans ▪  being commanded by a rider he dosn't know ▪  cold weather
[cs=2] FEARS:

▪  losing someone he loves
▪  eels!!! (like all dragons are)
▪  wistles (these drive him NUTS!)
▪  and the one strage fear: cats! Hes petrified of them.
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[style=text-align: center; font-family: century gothic; font-size: 16px; border-bottom: solid 2px #222222; margin-bottom: 4px; text-transform: center;]OVERALL PERSONALITY

Clockwork has a very melow and most of the time seems to be thinking. He dosn't realy vocalize much with other dragons and tends to stay to himself. He's a recluse and would rather be in a dark room alone.. Clockwork has a bad stuborn streak when it comes to strangers and the old man who owns him. Since the man never works eith him, and never called him by a name he simply refuses to acknowlage him as a master. He will put up trouble for any new masters but once he gets claimed and his master puts up with his stubornness, he will mostlikely grow to like them. He dosnt hate humans, he just is stuborn and dosn't like being forced around by someone he dosn't know.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

theclockwork dragon his a very diffrent dragon, but he didnt start that way. He was actualy just a regular western dragon at one point before his "accsedent". What little skin that his still skin is a dark ruset red, he has two of his horns that are left naturaly, the other two are cold metal Along with many other parts of his body like , an entire half of his face, and his hind left leg. His one good eye is bright reptilian green, . The skin around his fake pendages is badly burned and scared and even the large patches of skin that are still in tact (mostly on his left side.) is badly scarred. He has long jagged scars running across both shoulders, down his neck and across his back.

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FIGHT TO THE DEATH

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ABILITIES:

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▪   Clockwork can witchstand ALOT more wear and tear than most dragons can, he can dish out what he takes as well. He holds not fear at all in his heart to fight for his riders.
▪  Clockwork Can let out one deafeningly loud screech, wich sends even the strongest minds into a huge headache.
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KEYWORD IN RULES

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[tr][td][cs=2][style=text-align: center;font-family: century gothic; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 4px; text-transform: center; border-bottom: 2px #222222 solid; Souleater![/div]

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[style=text-align: center; padding: 2 0; border-top: 4px solid 222222; border-bottom: 4px solid #222222; font-family: open sans condensed; font-size: 12px;][b]SERIES[/b], face-claim as CHARACTER NAME made by souleater[/div][/td][/tr][/table][/center][/quote]

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First, before I review it, can I ask that you enter an Out of character name. It’s there so that we can talk to you on the Chat Box and othere such out of character things. Also, while the password was slightly off, I generally accept near correct pass words because pretty much prove exactly the same as a correct password does. You read the rules.

Okay, now the review. As interesting as the concept is, it feels far too steampunk for this site. Firstly the technology of the time was not as advanced as you think. Theoretically we’re set in the 1300s, practically we’re much closer to Huccup time, apart for the occasional later stuff that the more inventive chars out our world pull out. We often let certain technologies past, like the beginnings of clockwork or things like that, but tractors are a 20th century invention.

And even putting that aside, the idea that a dragon being injured like you say and it being saveable by the kid inventor feels unlikely. I am fine with the idea of a Dragon getting a replacement leg, appendage replacements are a HTTYD staple, but the kind of replacements you’ve given Clockwork are too great and most of the positives are more negatives. While yes the metal protects better, it’s heavier and would slow speed and there’s very little chance a dragon would be able to fly with metal wings. If the nostril was metal it would heat up and burn whatever it was covering, if it wasn’t it would just burn. Its claws may not need filing or rasping but the reason they used to need it is because they grew to replace the dead stuff already outside, the claws would slowly be rusting and being whittled away by general use. In fact, a dragon like this couldn’t be wild, just like Toothless could never be wild again, because they both would need a human to replace the stuff that can’t grow and just ages.

There are other things, but this is enough for now. As much as I like the idea (I am a massive lover of steampunk ideas and stories), this is an idea that does not work in BerksDragons. Don’t take this to mean we don’t want you on here though, we want new members. Come onto the cbox (once you have decided upon an OOC name) I try to check in there as much as I can (I live in England so I’m limited to decent hours of my timezone) and there’s usually someone on there, lurking and waiting for someone to say something in there .

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[Clockwork]

Kidoki ill try to tone down the metal abit and make the sheet meal used was for making swords and plows. Hmm... How about he came back out of hiding because he was broken? Like his metal leg rusted and his metal jaw (im gonna make his jaw metal too. ) and cut out the metal lung. Dang that was a longshot) i put my ooc name in the wrong place its souleater! It kinda got hidden in that coding error... Hes still got a big metal plate covering his right side to protect his badly exposed ribs, and his right eye is still fake. Two of his horns are still metal and the other two are real but ones slightly cracked. He has afew burn scars in his wings and tends to turn heavier on the less burnt one than the completely ravanged one. He also kinda has moss growing in his metal parts wich needs to be cleaned off by his lucky trainer.

Okay lemme redo my strengths:
- metal helps defense
- metal makes him heavier for fighting.
- the metal horn reduces stress on his damaged horn
- Hes very fast on the ground and has alot of power in his hindquarters due to the metal when its working properly

Weaknesses
- the heavy metal slows him down ALOT he can turn very sharply and go fast in short bursts but going to fast exausts him
- water can rust him and if it freezes the leg is useless
- his metal jaw has made it dificult to feed himself, he would mainly just wait in a fist to get caught in a puddle or scavage off of already dead animals. His jaw is great for fighting but gets in the way of fishing.
- his back is VERY slippery the metal on his sides make it difficult to grip without a saddle unless some kind of foothold is put there by whoever claims him, and because his nerves are stuned in areas around the metal he may not feel them fall off.

[PIME2]

Maybe I should have gone through the other problems to get my point across. The lung is a complete no, the idea any form of internal replacements by the top surgeons of the 19th century would be ludicrous, let alone a Nordic inventor boy. The point I had been making in my last post was that there are too many holes in the idea, the idea that the dragon would get such severe injuries the way it did, the idea it could survive them via Blacksmithing attention, that the dragon would be able to live with the lopsided weight and survive in the wild for 200 years. For that matter, the idea that the dragon would still be that wounded after all that time, while the wing, the leg and the eye would be lost forever, all the other damage would be healed through the body's natural regeneration.

It's an interesting idea but not one that works, least not in this site's setting.

[Clockwork]

Ookay ill spare both wings from any damage just his leg and his eye was lost. but in order to fix the exposed hole the removal of the damaged eye left the covered half his face with metal rather than extracting anything. No metal lung and the metal plate on his side stays.the only part of his leg that was actualy lost was the lower half but in order to make it functional they had to attach metal higher up on him so he still has is thigh. And rather than him being totaly wild what if someone took him in and theyre getting too old to take care of him? They still feed him but matinance on his machenerys getting harder? Ill find a way to make him work. He was with the little girl for 80 years and this new guy had him for 80 and thats a hundered and he inherited him from his dad who kept him for 40. So he wasnt ever wild with his machenery?

[PIME2]

Sorry for not replying for a few days, I'd meant to do it Monday, but this is my last week before study leave. I'll get on this when I can put a good amount of time to it *Either tomorrow or Friday*. I will however request you come on the cbox, I want to actually talk to you, as tbh would any member that would be on at the time . We're a friendly community so we like to know the people in it.

[PIME2]

I've added the bit of coding you'd missed out which had caused the app to go off. If you could try to add all the changes so far+any new ones into the original app that'd be great.

Right now, before you change the app so it's the most up to date form, Think about the causes of the injuries. What caused the fire? Or do you want to change the cause of the injuries since the injuries are modified. Could you have it that a dragon healer was the one that actually saved him, then you could have the brother make the replacements. Also, is the face cover necessary instead of say a glass eye or something like that? (curious on your opinion on that one)

Also, sorry for missing you all the times I did, now I'm in study leave I should be connected to the cbox more often so I'll at least be able to say hi to you even if I am working.

[Clockwork]

Yeah the dragon healer would make more sense. The dragon healer healing him and the brother making the parts. And his face cover holds the glass eye in, he cracked the other horn down to the root so it had to be replaced as well and the only way to hold both those on was to cover his face... It can be removed along with the glass eye. I think i put that the fire was started by a stray ember...

[Clockwork]

Okidoki tis modified!

[PIME2]

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Your app still needs to have its technology toned down. Tractors still need to be removed, and Agmarus needs a bit of work. He should probably be inventor/blacksmith’s apprentice rather than inventor/healer, those two don’t exactly mix. Also (one thing I should have commented on), why does he have all this stuff already? It feels like there’s something about him you’re not telling us lol. It’d probably be better if he made them after the fact to help his sister’s dragon.

Also, I don’t like how the appendage seems to make him stronger than before. It’s not scifi, the prosthetic would just be metal, and would have barely any mechanisms to it. What you’re basically trying to work with is basically a dragon equivalent of Hiccup’s leg.

Which brings me to another things, the strengths and weaknesses section is for mental and personality strengths and weaknesses as well as physical ones, and your personality section need beefing up. It’s also a bit weird to have him dislike being commanded while being owned for like 200 years. While it doesn’t need to be changed, do think about either the amount of time since Kanaya’s passing and now or that trait. Which brings me to another thing, if you do keep him being owned (regardless of amount of time since Kanaya) people would still know what his name was, so he would still remember his own name.

Going to the healing of the dragon, horns, skin, scales and teeth are all regenerative things for reptiles. The teeth would not grow too long because, unlike rodents who need to whittle theirs down, reptiles constantly replace their teeth over time, as they do with their scales, skin and horns.

Sorry for throwing all this at you now rather than at the beginning, I generally go for the biggest problems (if there are any) and then once they start to be levelled down do all out thorough reviews, how you don’t take it too badly .

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[Clockwork]

Any better?

[PIME2]

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Okay, smaller list this time. I noticed that you said he was a girl called Kanaya. Slightly picky, but needs mentioning. The strengths involving his metal appendages still bother me. Think of his replacement as like walking where your shin and foot are just one big bone, no muscles to give the thing strength, so kicks will be worse with that than with his normal leg. Also, a Dragon reading?

Both the Physical description needs a reright to fit the new dragon, as does the techniques. Finally a comment on the character rather than a request to change. Loners are not great characters in roleplaying sites, it’s not impossible to run them as loners but it’s very problematic trying to maintain a character that naturally doesn’t prescribe it to meeting up with other chars. It’s fine if you want to keep him a loner, just think about how you’re going to keep him in contact with people (It looks like you have designed some things in there, I just wanted to make sure that was in there).

That’s it for now, I’ll say the next things to do when these are done We’re getting there hopefully you’ll be RPing soon.

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[Clockwork]

Kidoki i think i got it. And it was "being red to" he cant read. But yeah i like his loner personality, just because hes stuborn. But once he meets a rider he changes. Its kinda a weird dynamic plot idea ive got. He's just quiet.

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I don’t really like the extra inclusion of Kanaya gaining a disability, it feels too much like a pile on for the backstory and…the other reasons I dislike it would only matter if you were playing Kanaya so I’ll leave them alone for now.

I don’t think the healer would have called for replacements, she’d have just amputated and then the brother would have decided to make them for his sister’s sake.

The blocking out memories at will feels a bit odd too, why would anyone be able to, at will, forget stuff? I know I’ve talked away most of our physical strengths but could you do one in replacement of that one, I was rather surprised when I read it and saw it had all gone from all physical to all mental.

Can I ask you to remove the long teeth and the metal plate on the side please? He’s had two hundred years for his skin and scales to replace, only the stuff physically removed (the eye and the foot) will still be in the same condition. Also please remove the teeth thing like I asked, it’s a dragon not a rodent.

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[Clockwork]

Kk fixed!