Post by Luna Heiler & Ayer on Oct 22, 2011 9:28:20 GMT -5
As an aspiring writer, I would like to know what other people think of my work. I would a appreciate if you would read the exerpts I have selected below and leave any comments or critism you you might have about them. Please correspond your comments with the number from each of the exerpts. These are in chronological order. When I started here I had never role-played or written for fun other than a bit of dabbling in peotry, which I hardly tried at. So ya. It's been fun for myself to go back and read some of my old threads as see myself grow as a writer. I will apreaciate anything g anyone has to say as long as it's not mean for no apparent reason. I do understand that the subject matter in many of these are redundant, but I'm asking for critique on quality, not content. Please and thank you to all ^^.
1. Lunas eyes fluttered open, she squinted against the harsh light of the sun. Once she was able to open her eyes fully, she remembered where she was. He had his hand on her arm. He was gently rubbing it, as if touching something so delicate, he was afraid it would brake. She shifted her weight slightly so that she could see his face. She smiled gently at him and thought to herself 'I never want this day, this minute, this second to end ever.' but she knew she had duties back in the village. She closed her eyes, she drank in the smells, the sounds, the feelings. The smell of the salt spray and of the warm sand, the warm breeZe toying with her hair, the sun warming her face, the crashing waves and the soft sound of his breathing. The gentle rise and fall of his chest, the sand and the water against her toes, his warm hand against her cold skin, his watchful eyes on her. She drank it in greedily. Then she opened her eyes and focused on his face, she looked far into his eyes, she studied his hair and the curve of his cheek and his tanned skin. She reached over for his hand and held it tight, she memorized the curve of his fingers and his palm against hers. Then she felt him hold her hand tightly back, and smile at her. "thank you, thank you for a day to myself, to do what I want, to be what I want, to be free."
[from 'water fun' ; Luna/Curtis ; 8/28/11 ; this was one of my first]
2. Luna slept. FOr the first time in two weeks, she slept. Her bouts of sleeplessness had taken control of her making it virtually impossible to sleep, and if by chance she did fall asleep she had horrible nightmares full of death and bloodshed of dragons and of people, sometimes of people she knew other times not, and all she could do was sit and watch the frightening images of absolute carnage; or of being dragged back to hysteria in shame and forced to live the way of life she so fiercely rejected or of falling from incredible heights, tumbling through the air, screaming to hit the earth below. These dark-hearted dreams brought her worst fears to life before her very eyes. So often she didn't want to sleep, but over-exhaustion made her force her eyelids shut for a few hours to endure those most terrible of nightmares, just seeking a little rest that she was never to receive. And she would wake up more tired than she was Before she fell violently into the restless sleep. So mostly she sat up awake- tired, wanting to sleep but unable to find slumber and doze off into peaceful sleep. She spent many dark nights alone crying to herself in absolute agony. Sobbing many waves of uncontrollable tears of regret and fear and desire and sadness and loneliness and even anger. she would cry until the tears would no longer come and she was left with a broken, empty heart and a forlorn and barren spirit. It was an experience like hell, you felt completly abandoned by the world and fully physically and mentally and emotionally drained, you felt dead and wished you could be it made you want to give up on life because it had given up on you. Luna would never wish it on her worst enemies. But tonight she didn't cry or dream, she just slept deeply and heavily and tranquilly in the still, dark night.
[from 'life anew' ; Luna/Curtis ; 9/27/11 ; a little more than a month's experience]
3. It was a cool, cloudy day with a light breeze that toyed with the green leaves in the tree tops and created a rustling sound through the entire forest as the foliage trembled in usion with the rest. It was midmorning. The sun was still relatively low, it was continuing its steep ascent into the crest of the sky. Luna kept her eyes trained intently on the sky searching it's blue ambiance for the white streak across through the clouds which would be slity flying home with Curtis his back to see her again after their time apart. For Luna, the days he had been gone seemed like weeks without him here. Time seemed to fly when they were together, but when apart, any amount of time seemed elongated. She missed him. Alot. She was at the base on the mountain that towered over the village of berk, where Luna resided with her two dragons, whom she had left at home on this particular occasion. The young woman's figure was silhouetted and the ground under her feet, forming a shadow cast out behind her boots, which were planted firmly on the ground. The gentle wind swept by and caressed Lunas face as it intertwined with her strands of feather-strewn hair as it waved slowly in the wind. When a ray of sun shone down on her, the fiery red tucked into her blonde hair would glint and shine in the brilliant light. Luna waited in silence. Her eyes to the south looking into the clouds on the horizon, anticipating the sight of the farmiliar white fear gliding high in the sky. They would be returning from red rock, a coastal town on the mainland south of berk. It was where Curtis was born and raised, he had brought luna there once with him on one of his visits. She combed her fingers through her hair as she thought many things and let's her mind and imagination wander to pass the time.
[from 'the veiw from up here' ; Luna/Curtis ; 10/11/11 ; wrote this last week]
4. Luna continued to cower in curtis' arms as she attempted to calm her nerves and return to a normal state. It became increasingly clear as she sat there this wasn't going to happen. She shook in fear, currently unconcerned and mainly unaware of her obvious show of cowerdess in front of Curtis. She didn't like looking weak in front of anyone, but around him she felt like she could let her defensive walls of solid pride crumble to the ground and deteriorate in his loving and comforting prescence. He made her feel like she was the only thing in the world that mattered to him at that moment, his whole mind full of thoughts directed towards her comfort and want to secure her insecurity. He gazed at her with concern, as if she were a puzzle he was trying to piece together. Luna would be one of the first to admit she could be a hard person to understand and to sympathize with, but he managed to earn her trust and her love. He understood her and accepted hEr as she was. Perhaps it was because similar threads of negative past life where woven and wound tightly into the tangled tapestry of each of their lives, which seemed to be intertwining their threads together and weaving life to life. Those tendrils seemed to reach out and latch on to the other one, strengthening their already inseparable relationship and pulling one towards the other. They both had deep secrets and dark elements to their short, yet wildly eventful lives. Curtis was Lunas anchor, her rock, her protector, her shelter. he was always, constant, never-changing, unwavering, forever, immovable and Luna would never leave him. Ever. She could trust him with anything for anything about anything. He was hers. for always.
Lunas mind snapped back into reality and she recalled her current position. She hadn't stopped her incessant trembling, even in her deep thought. Her subconscious had kept her nerves high strung even as she slipped into silent reverie for a few short moments. She pulled her gaze up to Curtis and looked him in the eye. "can we go now?" luna asked of him in a small voice filled to the bursting brim with terror, and yet a tinge of trust rung at the end of the simple question. Even in her fear, she knew he would take care of her in the best way he knew how and return her to complete safety and feeling of self-security she could once again have the pleasure of experiencing when her feet were planted firmly on the solid ground.
[from 'the view from up here' ; Luna/Curtis ; 10/20/11 ; written night before last]
1. Lunas eyes fluttered open, she squinted against the harsh light of the sun. Once she was able to open her eyes fully, she remembered where she was. He had his hand on her arm. He was gently rubbing it, as if touching something so delicate, he was afraid it would brake. She shifted her weight slightly so that she could see his face. She smiled gently at him and thought to herself 'I never want this day, this minute, this second to end ever.' but she knew she had duties back in the village. She closed her eyes, she drank in the smells, the sounds, the feelings. The smell of the salt spray and of the warm sand, the warm breeZe toying with her hair, the sun warming her face, the crashing waves and the soft sound of his breathing. The gentle rise and fall of his chest, the sand and the water against her toes, his warm hand against her cold skin, his watchful eyes on her. She drank it in greedily. Then she opened her eyes and focused on his face, she looked far into his eyes, she studied his hair and the curve of his cheek and his tanned skin. She reached over for his hand and held it tight, she memorized the curve of his fingers and his palm against hers. Then she felt him hold her hand tightly back, and smile at her. "thank you, thank you for a day to myself, to do what I want, to be what I want, to be free."
[from 'water fun' ; Luna/Curtis ; 8/28/11 ; this was one of my first]
2. Luna slept. FOr the first time in two weeks, she slept. Her bouts of sleeplessness had taken control of her making it virtually impossible to sleep, and if by chance she did fall asleep she had horrible nightmares full of death and bloodshed of dragons and of people, sometimes of people she knew other times not, and all she could do was sit and watch the frightening images of absolute carnage; or of being dragged back to hysteria in shame and forced to live the way of life she so fiercely rejected or of falling from incredible heights, tumbling through the air, screaming to hit the earth below. These dark-hearted dreams brought her worst fears to life before her very eyes. So often she didn't want to sleep, but over-exhaustion made her force her eyelids shut for a few hours to endure those most terrible of nightmares, just seeking a little rest that she was never to receive. And she would wake up more tired than she was Before she fell violently into the restless sleep. So mostly she sat up awake- tired, wanting to sleep but unable to find slumber and doze off into peaceful sleep. She spent many dark nights alone crying to herself in absolute agony. Sobbing many waves of uncontrollable tears of regret and fear and desire and sadness and loneliness and even anger. she would cry until the tears would no longer come and she was left with a broken, empty heart and a forlorn and barren spirit. It was an experience like hell, you felt completly abandoned by the world and fully physically and mentally and emotionally drained, you felt dead and wished you could be it made you want to give up on life because it had given up on you. Luna would never wish it on her worst enemies. But tonight she didn't cry or dream, she just slept deeply and heavily and tranquilly in the still, dark night.
[from 'life anew' ; Luna/Curtis ; 9/27/11 ; a little more than a month's experience]
3. It was a cool, cloudy day with a light breeze that toyed with the green leaves in the tree tops and created a rustling sound through the entire forest as the foliage trembled in usion with the rest. It was midmorning. The sun was still relatively low, it was continuing its steep ascent into the crest of the sky. Luna kept her eyes trained intently on the sky searching it's blue ambiance for the white streak across through the clouds which would be slity flying home with Curtis his back to see her again after their time apart. For Luna, the days he had been gone seemed like weeks without him here. Time seemed to fly when they were together, but when apart, any amount of time seemed elongated. She missed him. Alot. She was at the base on the mountain that towered over the village of berk, where Luna resided with her two dragons, whom she had left at home on this particular occasion. The young woman's figure was silhouetted and the ground under her feet, forming a shadow cast out behind her boots, which were planted firmly on the ground. The gentle wind swept by and caressed Lunas face as it intertwined with her strands of feather-strewn hair as it waved slowly in the wind. When a ray of sun shone down on her, the fiery red tucked into her blonde hair would glint and shine in the brilliant light. Luna waited in silence. Her eyes to the south looking into the clouds on the horizon, anticipating the sight of the farmiliar white fear gliding high in the sky. They would be returning from red rock, a coastal town on the mainland south of berk. It was where Curtis was born and raised, he had brought luna there once with him on one of his visits. She combed her fingers through her hair as she thought many things and let's her mind and imagination wander to pass the time.
[from 'the veiw from up here' ; Luna/Curtis ; 10/11/11 ; wrote this last week]
4. Luna continued to cower in curtis' arms as she attempted to calm her nerves and return to a normal state. It became increasingly clear as she sat there this wasn't going to happen. She shook in fear, currently unconcerned and mainly unaware of her obvious show of cowerdess in front of Curtis. She didn't like looking weak in front of anyone, but around him she felt like she could let her defensive walls of solid pride crumble to the ground and deteriorate in his loving and comforting prescence. He made her feel like she was the only thing in the world that mattered to him at that moment, his whole mind full of thoughts directed towards her comfort and want to secure her insecurity. He gazed at her with concern, as if she were a puzzle he was trying to piece together. Luna would be one of the first to admit she could be a hard person to understand and to sympathize with, but he managed to earn her trust and her love. He understood her and accepted hEr as she was. Perhaps it was because similar threads of negative past life where woven and wound tightly into the tangled tapestry of each of their lives, which seemed to be intertwining their threads together and weaving life to life. Those tendrils seemed to reach out and latch on to the other one, strengthening their already inseparable relationship and pulling one towards the other. They both had deep secrets and dark elements to their short, yet wildly eventful lives. Curtis was Lunas anchor, her rock, her protector, her shelter. he was always, constant, never-changing, unwavering, forever, immovable and Luna would never leave him. Ever. She could trust him with anything for anything about anything. He was hers. for always.
Lunas mind snapped back into reality and she recalled her current position. She hadn't stopped her incessant trembling, even in her deep thought. Her subconscious had kept her nerves high strung even as she slipped into silent reverie for a few short moments. She pulled her gaze up to Curtis and looked him in the eye. "can we go now?" luna asked of him in a small voice filled to the bursting brim with terror, and yet a tinge of trust rung at the end of the simple question. Even in her fear, she knew he would take care of her in the best way he knew how and return her to complete safety and feeling of self-security she could once again have the pleasure of experiencing when her feet were planted firmly on the solid ground.
[from 'the view from up here' ; Luna/Curtis ; 10/20/11 ; written night before last]
